You know when you ALWAYS look into the abyss bit of the loo roll before recklessly sticking your fingers in so as not to rouse any finger-inhaling goggas? Well today I threw caution to the wind and just blindly put my fucking fingers in there. Today, in Malawi, I also discovered a new threat to my life: Crouching Loo Roll Spider What Is Also Furry And Not Amenable To Being Roused. So lesson learnt.
Dear Legion Fans – I know you have all been eagerly anticipating my next juicy instalment (haha, lol, I do so enjoy talking to myself…). So after being recalled home to South Africa, I hereby introduce my new KZN Saath Coast roomies. And they are:
1). Gary, 59, formerly of Roodepoort, is a retired chemist (sciencey, not pille, unforch) and an early riser. He also makes a lot of noise shouting at the dogs – all 43 of them – Right. By. My. Window. But Gary’s real time to shine is about to materialise as Gary is going into the detergent business. That’s right, he’s cooking up Sunlight and Handy Andy and selling it for much less. Pasop Unilever, Gary’s about to go Breaking Bad on your butts.
2). Frikkie, I’d put his age but I don’t know it. There’s something Peter (Pieter?) Pan about this guy – let’s just say 80 going on 18. Well Frikkie, who I called Ricky for the first 3 days because I am a moron, he’s the main oke here and his chief job, which he does enthusiastically, is to yell at Gary who he considers simple. I know this because he said to me, “Doll, Gary is simple”. Also Ricky, I mean Frikkie, likes to make dirty jokes and then give me a knowing wink and a smoky-throaty laugh. Oh such mirth. He also manages the best curry shop on the South Coast, and perhaps even the world. I mean quite literally THE FREAKING BEST. So small price to pay for legion butt sex jokes from virile octogenarian.
3). Jack, 87, a Scouser who lived in Zim for 50 years and still calls it Rodeeeezhaaar. His wife died of emphysema 8 months ago. He is decorated with many mangled, sun-eaten tattoos, is fond of Milk Stout and I think he is counting down the days until he can be reunited with Maureen. Shem.
So there you go buds. My squad revealed. Deadly.
Having had just about enough of the maelstrom more commonly known as ‘English weather’, I bagged myself a house sit in Israel, and so here I am. On the lam from the cold winter above me. I didn’t know quite … Continue reading
Three years ago I very quietly, and without much fuss, slipped underneath the proverbial water. And for three years I remained there, amphibian-like, just under the surface, bubbling out the odd word, croaking through life. Things weren’t going so swell … Continue reading
A story about ‘eating design’, in the August issue of Food & Home Entertaining…
According to multiple sources the best time to book your flight is about 7 weeks before take off. A lot of air-travellers believe in waiting for a last-minute deal, but according to new research, you should NEVER book your ticket within the final two weeks before the flight…
Why do some people really rub you up the wrong way? And I’m not mentioning any names (MY SISTER) but really, all that person has to do is sing a little “Heya” and I’m ready to perform harakiri. On her. In other more rousing news, I like beer. A lot. So much so that I wrote about it for Your Wealth magazine (Liberty Life’s customer publication). Brace for impact…
Sometimes, when I’m not extravagantly inhaling trays of Ferrero Rochers, or dancing (like a frog in a blender) on bar tops on Indian Ocean islands, or missing aeroplanes and losing cellphones, I write about things of substance. Things that really matter. No, not fundraising proposals for Doctor’s Without Borders, but rather, design. Hay! It’s important too you know! This was for that extremely sexy, award-winning magazine, Joburg Style.
A little travel foray into South Africa’s much-maligned Free State. It’s not all sun-baked mielie fields and moonshine-brewing boers. Well, maybe a little. Pics courtesy of that man with a most special eye, Jay Jay Gregory. Thanks JJ!