Don’t be a hero

imageYou know when you ALWAYS look into the abyss bit of the loo roll before recklessly sticking your fingers in so as not to rouse any finger-inhaling goggas? Well today I threw caution to the wind and just blindly put my fucking fingers in there. Today, in Malawi, I also discovered a new threat to my life: Crouching Loo Roll Spider What Is Also Furry And Not Amenable To Being Roused. So lesson learnt.

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New Durbs digs

Dear Legion Fans – I know you have all been eagerly anticipating my next juicy instalment (haha, lol, I do so enjoy talking to myself…). So¬†after being recalled home to South Africa, I hereby introduce my new KZN Saath Coast roomies. And they are:

1). Gary, 59, formerly of Roodepoort, is a retired chemist (sciencey, not pille, unforch) and an early riser. He also makes a lot of noise shouting at the dogs – all 43 of them – Right. By. My. Window. But Gary’s real time to shine is about to materialise as Gary is going into the detergent business. That’s right, he’s cooking up Sunlight and Handy Andy and selling it for much less. Pasop Unilever, Gary’s about to go Breaking Bad on your butts.

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Gary, sporting a shiner from a scuffle with nemesis, Frikkie

2). Frikkie, I’d put his age but I don’t know it. There’s something Peter (Pieter?) Pan about this guy – let’s just say 80 going on 18. Well Frikkie, who I called Ricky for the first 3 days because I am a moron, he’s the main oke here and his chief job, which he does enthusiastically, is to yell at Gary who he considers simple. I know this because he said to me, “Doll, Gary is simple”. Also Ricky, I mean Frikkie, likes to make dirty jokes and then give me a knowing wink and a smoky-throaty laugh. Oh such mirth. He also manages the best curry shop on the South Coast, and perhaps even the world. I mean quite literally THE FREAKING BEST. So small price to pay for legion butt sex jokes from virile octogenarian.

3). Jack, 87, a Scouser who lived in Zim for 50 years and still calls it Rodeeeezhaaar. His wife died of emphysema 8 months ago. He is decorated with many mangled, sun-eaten tattoos, is fond of Milk Stout and I think he is counting down the days until he can be reunited with Maureen. Shem.

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So there you go buds. My squad revealed. Deadly.